Category: Human Behavior

The Story Behind the Behavior

Posted on by Rosemarie in Human Behavior

What two books about trauma taught me about leading people.

As leaders, we observe behavior every day. We see someone who is defensive when given feedback, reluctant to speak up, a chronic perfectionist (guilty), resistant to change, overly independent, conflict avoidant, or constantly seeking approval. Our instinct is often to coach to the behavior we can see. But what changes when we become curious about why that behavior exists before deciding how to change it?

That question stayed with me as I read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk and The Myth of Normal by Gabor Maté with Daniel Maté. While both books explore trauma, together they gave me a different lens for thinking about leadership: one that begins with the individual and expands to the systems and environments around them.

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The Body Keeps the Score helped me think differently about how deeply our experiences can shape us, including responses that may not be obvious to anyone around us. When we look at an employee, we see what is happening at the surface. We rarely know the experiences that may be influencing how they respond to stress, conflict, feedback, or uncertainty.

The Myth of Normal widened that lens. It pushed me to think not only about how past experiences shape the individual, but also about how our current environments, relationships, cultures, and systems continue to shape us. We can easily assume that the people around us experience work the way we do. They don’t. Every person brings a different history, perspective, set of expectations, and way of interpreting the environment around them. Which leads me to a premise I keep coming back to: What we experience as difficult behavior may have a history we cannot see.

That doesn’t mean leaders should try to diagnose that history. We aren’t therapists, and understanding someone’s personal experiences isn’t a prerequisite for holding them accountable. But it does mean we can approach coaching with greater curiosity and an openness to perspectives beyond our own.

Understanding why someone may behave a certain way does not mean accepting every behavior. Empathy and accountability are not opposing leadership philosophies; they are rather close partners. Understanding does not mean excusing poor performance, disrespect, missed commitments, destructive conflict, or an unwillingness to change. Leaders still have a responsibility to set clear expectations and hold people accountable for meeting them.

What can change is how we begin the conversation. Instead of immediately asking ourselves how we can get someone to change, we can become curious first. What am I not seeing? What perspective might I be missing? Is there another way to approach this conversation that helps this person hear the feedback and move forward? Curiosity doesn’t lower the standard; it just makes us better at helping people reach it.

But curiosity shouldn’t stop with the individual. The Myth of Normal also challenged me to consider what’s happening in the environment around the person. If the same behaviors begin appearing across a team, perhaps the question isn’t just what’s happening with this person, we also need to ask ourselves if we are coaching people to cope with conditions we should actually be changing. If people are consistently exhausted, afraid to speak up, resistant to change, competing destructively, or disengaging from the work, leaders have a responsibility to look beyond individual performance.

What systems, expectations, incentives, communication patterns, or leadership behaviors might be influencing how people show up? Sometimes coaching the individual is appropriate but sometimes the organization needs coaching, too.

In The Myth of Normal, Maté introduces Thich Nhat Hanh’s concept of interbeing, rooted in the understanding that nothing exists entirely separately from everything else. That stuck with me above all else. Culture affects behavior. Behavior affects relationships. Relationships affect trust. Trust affects communication. Communication affects execution. Execution affects performance. And each of those influences the others. Nothing in an organization exists entirely in isolation.

That is what makes leadership so complex. We can’t always solve a behavioral problem by addressing behavior alone, just as we can’t create a healthy culture through value statements or improve execution simply by introducing another process. People, relationships, culture, systems, communication, and performance are interconnected. We can’t create sustainable clarity by fixing isolated pieces of an interconnected system.

Neither of these books is a leadership book in the traditional sense. Yet together, they changed the way I think about leading people. They reminded me that the person sitting across from me in a coaching conversation brings far more to that moment than the behavior I can observe. They also reminded me that I am not simply observing the environment in which that behavior occurs; as a leader, I am helping create it. This brings both opportunity and responsibility.

I can remain clear about expectations while becoming more curious about the person trying to meet them. I can hold someone accountable while considering whether the environment around them is helping or hindering their success. And I can resist reducing a complex human being to a behavior I happen to see in a particular moment. So before I ask someone to change how they’re showing up, I want to ask myself a different question first: Have I taken enough time to understand what might be shaping how they’re showing up?

Book Review: Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Posted on by Rosemarie in Human Behavior

Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace is a reminder that boundaries are not barriers. They are a way to create clarity, protect our well-being, and strengthen relationships both at work and in our personal lives. The book offers practical tools that help shift the idea of boundaries from something restrictive to something that builds healthier connections.


One of the strongest points Tawwab makes is that boundaries are an act of respect. They are not designed to keep others away but to define how we can engage with each other in ways that feel sustainable. For leaders, this lesson is powerful. Boundaries set the tone for what is expected and allow teams to function without the frustration of unspoken assumptions. I have seen firsthand how the absence of clear boundaries creates confusion and drains energy. On the other hand, when expectations are communicated openly, the result is stronger alignment and a healthier team dynamic.


The book also emphasizes that boundaries are deeply tied to peace of mind. They protect our ability to be present and to contribute where we are needed most. Without them, it is easy to slip into exhaustion, resentment, or burnout. In my own role, I have experienced the temptation to always be available or to take on more than is realistic. It can feel like a sign of commitment, but it is rarely sustainable. Reading Tawwab’s work reminded me that boundaries are not selfish. They are essential if we want to remain effective leaders over the long term.

What resonated most with me was how Tawwab reframed boundaries as tools for communication and connection. Setting boundaries is not about control but about ensuring that our best energy is reserved for the work and relationships that matter most. This is something I continue to practice. Protecting focus time on my calendar, honoring family commitments, and defining ownership across my team are small but important ways to maintain balance. When leaders model these behaviors, it signals to others that it is acceptable to do the same.

The impact extends beyond the individual, creating a culture where trust and respect are valued more than constant availability.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace is more than a self-help book. It is a guide to creating balance and clarity in a world that constantly demands more of us. For me, it was both a reminder and a challenge. The reminder is that peace is possible when we draw clear lines around our time and energy. The challenge is to keep practicing those boundaries daily, even when it feels easier to give in.


After reading this book, I find myself reflecting on which boundaries in my life still need strengthening. That may be the most valuable part of Tawwab’s message: it invites us not only to learn but also to act. If you read this book, I encourage you to pause and identify one area where you could set a clearer boundary this week. It may be a small step, but it could be the first step toward finding more peace.

Book Review: Collecting Confidence by Kim Gravel

Posted on by Rosemarie in Human Behavior

Confidence is a tricky thing; part learned skill, part mindset, and part sheer force of will. In Collecting Confidence, Kim Gravel aims to offer readers a roadmap to building self-assurance through personal anecdotes and hard-earned wisdom. The book presents itself as an inspiring guide to self-belief, but for me, it fell short in a few key ways.

Gravel is undoubtedly an engaging storyteller. Her Southern charm and candid reflections make for easy listening (I read the audible version), and some of her experiences, especially those tied to resilience and personal growth, are relatable. She also emphasizes that confidence isn’t about having all the answers but about stepping forward anyway, which is a message many people need to hear.

Additionally, the book’s structure, framed around collecting lessons over time rather than achieving instant self-assurance, is a refreshing take. It acknowledges that confidence is an evolving process, which aligns with real-world experience.

For a book promising actionable confidence-building strategies, I found Collecting Confidence too heavy on personal anecdotes and too light on practical takeaways. Many of Gravel’s stories, while engaging, felt more like a memoir than a structured self-improvement guide. If you’re looking for a deeper dive into the psychology of confidence or research-backed strategies, this book isn’t the one for you.

This book is very heavy on faith-based messaging. While that’s certainly an authentic part of Gravel’s perspective, it was woven into the book in a way that felt less like a universal lesson and more like a directive. As someone who doesn’t share her faith-based approach, I found it difficult to connect with the book’s core message in the way I’d hoped. Rather than presenting confidence as something anyone can build through mindset shifts and action, it often leaned into the idea of divine timing and trusting in God’s plan.

If you enjoy books that blend personal storytelling with inspiration, especially from an author with a strong faith perspective, Collecting Confidence might resonate with you. But if you’re looking for a more structured, research-backed approach to confidence-building, you might find yourself wishing for something more substantial.

Ultimately, while I appreciate Gravel’s sincerity and storytelling ability, the book didn’t quite hit the mark for me. Confidence is something we all have to collect in our own way, and for my journey, I prefer insights grounded in psychology, actionable strategies, and broader applicability.

Would love to hear from you! Did Collecting Confidence work for you? If so, what were your key takeaways?

Book Review: What Happened to You?

Posted on by Rosemarie in Human Behavior

I recently had the pleasure of listening to the book What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry. This book is a compelling exploration of how early experiences shape our lives. Rather than asking, “What’s wrong with you?”, Winfrey & Perry reframe the question to “What happened to you?” a shift that fosters empathy, understanding, and healing. This perspective isn’t just relevant in personal growth and therapy; it also has profound implications for leadership, teamwork, and workplace culture.

Through a series of conversations with Oprah, Dr. Perry, a renowned neuroscientist, explains how childhood experiences shape brain development. Repeated stress or trauma in early years can create long-term behavioral patterns, often misinterpreted as personality flaws rather than adaptations to past experiences. As a corporate executive, I couldn’t help considering this at work in a professional setting. Instead of immediately labeling an employee as “difficult” or “unmotivated,” leaders can consider what factors, both past and present, may be influencing their behavior. This shift in perspective can lead to more productive conversations and better support systems for employees who may be struggling.

One of the book’s core lessons is that people need to feel emotionally and physically safe before they can engage in logical thinking or problem-solving. When someone is in a heightened emotional state, whether due to stress, burnout, or past trauma, their ability to process information and respond effectively is diminished. In the workplace, psychological safety is critical to the employee experience. Leaders who create a culture where employees feel safe expressing concerns, making mistakes, and asking for help foster a more engaged and innovative workforce. Instead of demanding immediate performance under pressure, good leaders recognize when to offer support, provide space, and help employees regulate stress before expecting peak performance.

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. The book emphasizes the role of relationships in overcoming adversity. The more positive and stable relationships a person has, the better they can navigate challenges and build resilience. Likewise, strong workplace relationships improve collaboration, morale, and overall performance. Leaders and colleagues who build trust and open lines of communication create an environment where employees feel valued. Mentorship programs, team-building efforts, and informal check-ins can help strengthen these connections and improve workplace culture.

Behaviors often labeled as “unprofessional” or “uncooperative” may stem from past experiences rather than a lack of ability or effort. A person who avoids confrontation, struggles with feedback, or reacts defensively may be responding to deep-seated survival mechanisms rather than the immediate situation. When managing performance or addressing workplace conflicts, leaders should approach conversations with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of immediately assuming an employee is being difficult, asking questions like “What’s going on?” or “How can I support you?” can lead to more constructive outcomes. Empathy and patience often yield better results than strict discipline or punitive measures.

Resilience isn’t just about toughness, it’s also about adaptability and support. People who have a strong network of support and access to positive experiences can better navigate stress and setbacks. Organizations that prioritize mentorship, constructive feedback, and continuous learning create employees who are not just surviving but thriving. Providing professional development opportunities, promoting work-life balance, and recognizing employees’ efforts all contribute to building a resilient, engaged workforce.

What Happened to You? is more than a book about trauma, it’s a guide to fostering understanding, resilience, and meaningful connections. Whether you’re a leader, a mentor, or simply someone striving to create a more supportive environment, the lessons in this book can help you reframe challenges with empathy and build stronger, more resilient teams.

Have you read What Happened to You? How did it impact your perspective on leadership, teamwork, or personal growth? Let’s discuss in the comments!

Book Review: Revenge of the Tipping Point

Posted on by Rosemarie in Human Behavior

Years ago, as a grad student exploring the nuances of change and influence, I found myself captivated by Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point. It wasn’t just a book; it was a blueprint for understanding how small actions can create monumental cultural shifts. So, when I heard about Revenge of the Tipping Point, I was both excited and cautious. Could a sequel to such a beloved book truly capture the same magic?

The answer, in my opinion, is a resounding yes.



In Revenge of the Tipping Point, Gladwell doesn’t simply revisit his original thesis. He reinvents it with fresh examples, updated insights, and an evolved perspective on how the smallest sparks ignite change in today’s hyper-connected world. While The Tipping Point laid the groundwork for understanding phenomena like “the stickiness factor” and the power of social connectors, this new installment goes further, exploring how these principles play out in an age dominated by social media, rapid technological advancement, and an increasingly globalized society.

Take, for instance, his analysis of the covid-19 pandemic or the opiod crisis. It’s not just about identifying what tipped the scales but also about understanding the mechanisms that sustained the momentum long enough to reshape industries and societal norms for decades yet to come.

Reading Revenge of the Tipping Point felt like revisiting an old friend with a surprising new story to tell. While I loved the original for its clarity and accessibility, this sequel resonates on a deeper level for anyone looking to lead change, whether in business, culture, or personal life. Gladwell reminds us that even the most massive cultural shifts often begin with a single moment, a single spark, and it’s the context we create around that spark that determines its legacy.

If you loved The Tipping Point, this is more than a nostalgic revisit; it’s an essential update. And if you’re new to Gladwell’s work, Revenge of the Tipping Point is a perfect entry point. It’s proof that the power of small changes is not just timeless but evolving, adapting to new environments in ways that continue to surprise and inspire.

Have you read Revenge of the Tipping Point? Or did The Tipping Point influence the way you think about change? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Book Review: Over Work

Posted on by Rosemarie in Human Behavior

Over Work: Transforming the Daily Grind in the Quest for a Better Life by Brigid Schulte

Brigid Schulte’s Over Work is a timely and transformative read for anyone striving to find balance in an increasingly demanding professional world. The book dissects the entrenched systems and cultural expectations that fuel our overwork tendencies and provides a compelling vision for a more balanced, intentional approach to life and work.

As a new executive, I approached this book not just with curiosity but with a pressing need for clarity. Leading a team and setting the tone for how work is approached for an entire organization has heightened my awareness of how much our workplace cultures glorify busyness at the expense of true productivity and well-being. Schulte’s insights resonated deeply, offering a framework to rethink not only my personal habits but also the norms I help reinforce within my organization.

One of the book’s most striking revelations is the persistence of the “ideal worker” archetype – the expectation that the most successful employees are those who are constantly available, sacrificing personal time for professional advancement. In my own experience, stepping into my new role at work has only amplified this pressure. Schulte’s analysis reminded me that leadership is about outcomes, not optics, and that modeling healthy boundaries is critical to fostering sustainable productivity in my team.

Schulte doesn’t shy away from highlighting the systemic roots of overwork, particularly its disproportionate impact on women. As I reflect on my career, I’ve seen firsthand how societal expectations often burden women with invisible labor at home and in the workplace. Her call to action, to challenge these inequities and advocate for structural change, felt particularly urgent in my role as a leader who can influence organizational culture.

One of my leaders likes to say it’s about “work / life tradeoffs” not “work / life balance”. Keeping that in mind, this book’s pragmatic approach to combating overwork is one of its greatest strengths. From rethinking meeting structures to encouraging flexible work arrangements, Schulte provides actionable strategies that can benefit both individuals and organizations. Since reading the book, I’ve already begun experimenting with some of her suggestions, such as prioritizing deep work blocks over reactive tasks, and I’ve encouraged my team to do the same.

Reading Over Work coincided with my transition into executive leadership, a time when the stakes, and the demands on my time, have never been higher. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that success in this role requires perpetual availability and constant multitasking. Schulte’s work challenged me to redefine what it means to lead effectively.

For example, I’ve started asking myself more often: Am I modeling the type of work culture I want my team to emulate? There have been moments when I’ve caught myself emailing late at night or overloading my calendar, inadvertently signaling that this behavior is the expectation. After reading Schulte’s analysis, I’m more intentional about how I structure my time and communicate priorities, both for myself and my team. My teams status isn’t always green these days, and I try to remember to log out at a reasonable time, further signaling unavailability after hours.

Schulte’s call to reimagine work isn’t just about personal well-being, it’s about the collective need to challenge a culture that equates busyness with value. For executives, the stakes are even higher; we set the tone for how work is approached in our organizations. Over Work reminded me that leadership isn’t just about driving results but also about creating environments where people can thrive.

I think Over Work is essential reading for anyone seeking a more meaningful relationship with work. It’s a book that challenges us to confront not only our personal habits but also the broader systems that perpetuate overwork. For those in leadership roles, it’s a powerful reminder of the responsibility we hold to model a better way forward.

As I continue to navigate the challenges of leadership, Schulte’s insights remain top of mind. They’ve given me the tools, and resolve, to not only manage my own workload more effectively but also to foster a culture that prioritizes balance and well-being without compromising excellence. I highly recommend this book to anyone ready to rethink the way we work.

Book Review: Do Nothing

Posted on by Rosemarie in Human Behavior

In today’s world, where busyness often equates to success, Celeste Headlee’s Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving provides a much-needed perspective on the cost of hustle culture. This book is a manifesto for reclaiming our humanity by challenging the habits that perpetuate overwork.

In her book, Headlee explores the historical and cultural factors driving our obsession with productivity, linking our self-worth to our achievements from the Industrial Revolution onwards. She demonstrates through research that prioritizing busyness negatively impacts our well-being and relationships. The central argument is that being busy does not equate to productivity, happiness, or fulfillment; in fact, it often results in stress, burnout, and a disconnection from what truly matters in life.

What sets Do Nothing apart is its actionable advice. Headlee not only highlights the problem but also offers solutions, focusing on mindfulness, prioritization, and the science of rest. Headlee argues that leisure is essential for a balanced life. By embracing intentional rest, we can recharge and engage more fully with our surroundings. In a world dominated by notifications and to-do lists, Headlee’s call to pause and question our relentless drive feels radical. This book made me reflect on my habits; am I working more out of desire or because of a societal narrative that demands it? Disentangling the two isn’t easy, but Headlee’s insights offer a starting point for self-reflection.

If you’ve felt overwhelmed by the relentless pace of modern life, Do Nothing offers validation and relief. It’s about finding a sustainable rhythm that allows you to thrive. With its blend of historical context, psychological research, and practical advice, this book is essential for anyone wanting to escape overwork and create a meaningful life. By the final chapter, you’ll understand the importance of doing less and feel empowered to make it a reality.

Have you read Do Nothing? What was your biggest takeaway? Share your thoughts in the comments!